The Power of the Dark Side

First posted: June 15, 2006

Well, it didnt happen on 6-6-06, but it was pretty darn close. What is it? No, its not something from eBay. It is a cell phone. Yes, Darth Vader has won. I own a cell phone.

I didnt want it to happen; Ive enjoyed not having to have one. But my new apartment required it. I moved into a studio apartment beneath this familys house and when they constructed the apartment, they did not install a landline phone since, they thought, everybody has a cell phone these days. So, much to the joy of my girlfriend, I now have a wee little flip phone that plays the intro to Under the Bridge when someone wants to talk with me. (I admit it, having the Red Hot Chili Peppers play for me is pretty cool.)

Why have I resisted a cell phone this long? Because, I have not needed it. So many people have said to me, Oh my gosh, I could not live without my cell phone! This to me is the craziest opinion one could have, whether you take it figuratively or literally. I did very well for 30.5 years without a cell phone. I had a phone at home, one at work, and I actually know how to use a pay phone. And, given that so many others around me had cell phones, whenever I actually felt the need for one, there were several from which to choose.

Frankly, a cell phone is a burden. Its just something else about which to worry. Worry that it will break. Worry that I will lose it. Worry that I will leave it at work. Worry that it will be stolen. Worry that I wont have reception. Worry that the battery will die. Its also one more thing to carry with me. Im not sufficiently secure in my manhood to carry a purse, so that means it goes in my pocket.

In the last year or so, I also got a few kicks from peoples reactions when they discovered that, amazingly, I did not own a cell phone. How do you do it? they would ask, mouth agape. Some figured I was loony, some were impressed, others simply couldnt get a grasp on the notion and walked away confused. What if your car breaks down? Use a call box. What if you need to meet friends at a bar? Plan a meeting point ahead of time. What if I want to call you when youre away from a phone? Wait until I can get to a phone! I dont feel like any kind of innovator. Plenty of people have successfully lived their lives and done everything we do today without cell phones. None of my strategies for existing in our culture without a cell phone are original.

No longer will I get to field such questions. I have been turned to the Dark Side. I have... oops, gotta go... my cell phone is ringing...