Jealousy in LA

First posted: May 21, 2006

I cannot believe it. I am jealous of the Clippers. How this pains me. The Clippers?! The JV team? What happened here?

I walked into Albertson's this morning in SantAna and received a free copy of a long boring novel called the Orange County Register Sunday Edition. (Green comment about the unnecessary clear cutting needed to print said paper withheld.) While I was waiting in line for my coffee at the in-store Starbucks, I noticed a blurb on the sports page that, yes, in fact Virginia, there are Clipper fans in the OC. This doesn't really surprise me because over the course of this past season, the number of "lifelong" Clipper fans has increased faster than the birthrates of LA and Orange counties. (Think about that for the moment.)

Understand, this Laker fan never really gave much thought to the Clippers. It's kind of hard to think about them when they are never on TV, are never in the playoffs, and never win. They have been the joke of the NBA my whole life. (Yes, I am older than the official rebirth of the NBA that commenced in 1979 when Magic and Larry were drafted.) The Clippers were never the Lakers' rivals. That was always the domain of the Celtics. The retirement of Magic pretty much concluded that rivalry and the Lakers have had few true rivalries since except for the Sacramento Queens.

But now, amazingly, the Clippers are in the 7th game of their 2nd round series, on the verge of the Western Conference finals, and the Lakers are home trying to come to terms with their true identity. How did this happen? Is it nature bringing balance to Los Angeles? Or is it an anomaly that will blink out as soon as Donald Sterling realizes that his profit margin for the next 10 years is secure win or lose.

What does it mean if this is not an anomaly? Does it mean the Lakers' new rivals will actually be the Clippers? Frankly, that would be great. Great, as long as it's a true rivalry. None of the 1989 Bay Area cross-team love. Those Giants/A's hats were revolting. No, that is not allowed. You pick a side. The Glamour and Glitz of Showtime or the pathetic Clippers. Who are you gonna love?

This is exciting. This means a new team for me to hate. There's never been a reason to hate the Clippers. A Laker loss to the Clippers in the past inspired disgust at the thought that the Lakers played down to the level of the Clippers long enough to let them pull out the upset win. It was never because the Clippers were the better team. And every Laker win was ho-hum because it was expected. But now, now if the Clippers win, it might actually be because they have a team worthy enough to challenge the Lakers legitimately.

I loved hating the Celtics in the '80s. Yes, it was easy to do. I mean, how hard is it to hate the ugliest team this side of Eastern Germany? And we all know that McHale lived on cheap shots, that Ainge was the world's biggest whiner, that Parish's elbows were filed sharp, that DJ knew all the bad bounces in the Garden floor, and that Bird's true identity was Lex Luthor. But it didn't matter that it was easy; what mattered was that it was fun. It was fun to get Riled up when the Celtics bettered the Lake Show and it made the wins all the more scrumptious and satisfying. To beat the Celtics was an accomplishment because, even though I would never have admitted it, the Celtics were a good team, a worthy opponent to Magic, Kareem, and Co.

I sometimes wonder if I will ever be a part of another rivalry on the level of the '80s era Lakers-Celtics. Realistically, I doubt it. But, the next best thing might just be a Clipper-Laker rivalry. They would never be able to meet in an NBA final, but they meet often enough during the regular season and they could meet in a Western Conference final to allow for a sufficient amount of drama.

How could it be better? Well, this brings me back to the newspaper blurb: the OC. The Angels of Anaheim (who can't claim LA until they move back into at least the county whatever their history and team name origin might be) and the Ducks already serve as acceptable foils to the Dodgers and the Kings (of course that's hockey, and I wouldn't usually waste any space on that "sport" unless it helped me make a point). What we need is for the Clippers to move to the OC and share the Pond with the Ducks. An LA-OC all-out sports rivalry might actually provide for a rivalry to rival the '80s Lakers-Celtics.

And when the Clippers return to their losing ways, it would mean not having to hear any more about the pathetic LA Clippers. Then they would be the OC's problem.

The Power of the Dark Side

First posted: June 15, 2006

Well, it didnt happen on 6-6-06, but it was pretty darn close. What is it? No, its not something from eBay. It is a cell phone. Yes, Darth Vader has won. I own a cell phone.

I didnt want it to happen; Ive enjoyed not having to have one. But my new apartment required it. I moved into a studio apartment beneath this familys house and when they constructed the apartment, they did not install a landline phone since, they thought, everybody has a cell phone these days. So, much to the joy of my girlfriend, I now have a wee little flip phone that plays the intro to Under the Bridge when someone wants to talk with me. (I admit it, having the Red Hot Chili Peppers play for me is pretty cool.)

Why have I resisted a cell phone this long? Because, I have not needed it. So many people have said to me, Oh my gosh, I could not live without my cell phone! This to me is the craziest opinion one could have, whether you take it figuratively or literally. I did very well for 30.5 years without a cell phone. I had a phone at home, one at work, and I actually know how to use a pay phone. And, given that so many others around me had cell phones, whenever I actually felt the need for one, there were several from which to choose.

Frankly, a cell phone is a burden. Its just something else about which to worry. Worry that it will break. Worry that I will lose it. Worry that I will leave it at work. Worry that it will be stolen. Worry that I wont have reception. Worry that the battery will die. Its also one more thing to carry with me. Im not sufficiently secure in my manhood to carry a purse, so that means it goes in my pocket.

In the last year or so, I also got a few kicks from peoples reactions when they discovered that, amazingly, I did not own a cell phone. How do you do it? they would ask, mouth agape. Some figured I was loony, some were impressed, others simply couldnt get a grasp on the notion and walked away confused. What if your car breaks down? Use a call box. What if you need to meet friends at a bar? Plan a meeting point ahead of time. What if I want to call you when youre away from a phone? Wait until I can get to a phone! I dont feel like any kind of innovator. Plenty of people have successfully lived their lives and done everything we do today without cell phones. None of my strategies for existing in our culture without a cell phone are original.

No longer will I get to field such questions. I have been turned to the Dark Side. I have... oops, gotta go... my cell phone is ringing...